Quack.

I could hear Kevin laughing from the other room.

“Did you hear my duck?” I asked. He laughed his affirmative.

My duck is not a pet, but he follows me around a lot. That recent audible visit was the seventh time Kevin has observed me farting. I don’t do this on purpose, believe me.

The first time it happened, it just slipped out, as we were walking into my old apartment. He laughed that time, too.

“It wasn’t me,” I said. “It was a duck. Didn’t you see it?”

Since then, that’s the joke. I quack pretty often, probably because I eat oatmeal for breakfast and there’s nothing like strong fiber to get your air moving. (Hey – oatmeal isn’t for old people. You don’t look hot like I do without healthy food.)

The point of all this TMI is to ponder those things we do that we try to hide from our significant other. I think most people would agree that during the first month of dating you would NEVER quack loudly in front of your guy or gal. But several months, years into it?

What else do we hide from people at first? Zits? Odd habits like compulsive cleaning? Your penchant for watching “Golden Girls” between the sheets right before bed or your guilty pleasure of reading romance novels? Your strange Uncle Ernie, whose ear and nose hair are only half as odd as his personality?

After awhile, you open the closet door, and let your skeletons jump out. Hopefully, the other person doesn’t run screaming in the opposite direction.

Really, the things I love about Kevin are his little quirks, the things that make him uniquely HIM. And as he said, “If you reach the point where you know everything about them and you still love them, that’s pretty damn exciting.”

So I’m not going to have a Carrie moment (Season 1) and freak out because he heard me quack. Instead, I’m going to think about the scene from “Good Will Hunting,” when Robin Williams’ character laughs about the way his late wife would fart so loudly in bed that she woke up.

According to two sources online, the average person quacks 12-18 times a day, producing 45 ml of methane. Apparently, we quack more often in our sleep.

So far, Kevin has yet to (audibly) let ‘er rip in front of me. But I guess it’s only a matter of time before we both let down our guard, and I hear (and smell) the true Kevin.

I think I can handle a few quacks from him, because so far, when it comes to earning my affection, he’s no lame duck.

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