Strap yourselves in. This one is a doozy.
My friend “Superstar” goes on a match.com date with a guy last week. She agreed to meet him at Game 2 of the Hurricanes playoffs at the RBC Center.
She warned him ahead of time that she is absolutely terrified of heights. Like seriously, deathly, I’m-going-to-scream-cry-make-a-scene-I-can’t-handle-it afraid of heights. In other words, no nosebleed seats.
He is uncertain of the seat location, so they agree to play it by ear.
Segment One: Meet for drinks. Good idea. Might as well find out right off the bat if he’s hot or not, nice or a jerk.
The drink part is ok. They talk, sip some wine. Ladies, always eat something before drinking two big glasses of wine during a first date. Superstar was a little tipsy and high on the guy’s hotness, which covered up his toolness during Segment One.
Tool Move No. 1: He asks if she can drive them to the RBC Center because his normal car (a BMW) is in the shop and he’s driving a van. (Read: his only car is a van, but he’s a liar.) He says she might find it creepy to ride in a van with him. If he wasn’t likely lying about the car thing, that might redeem the fact that he has a van. He ends up driving. (I say she should’ve followed him in her car.)
Tool Move. No. 2: He puts his hands on her during drinks. Hello? First date; let’s keep our hands to ourselves.
Segment Two: The game. They arrive and walk to the seats. Superstar doesn’t realize how high it is until they emerge from the hallway up in the nosebleed section, the rows of chairs laid out in front of her like rocks down the mountain. To her, it’s just as high, like she’s teetering on the edge of a cliff and could go at any moment. She begins to freak out and insists that she cannot make her way down the stairs to the seats.
Tool Move No. 3: He doesn’t take her fear seriously. Superstar is REALLY terrified and others around her clearly pick up on it, but he pulls on her arm, “Come on, we can make it.”
In all this commotion, he decides to go check out the seats. Meanwhile, a very nice woman leads Superstar to guest services, where they give her two tickets in a much lower location. The woman tells Superstar: “He’s not a very nice guy if he won’t even come with you.” Um, yeah. Superstar texts Tool and tells him to come to the new seats.
When he arrives he is angry because he was meeting business colleagues at the original sky-high seats. But soon he is soothed by the better viewing and settles in for the game, which by now is in the second period.
Tool Move No. 4: He talks about marriage. They talk about many things while they watch the game, but why would you bring this up? If we ladies aren’t supposed
to, why are you guys telling us how badly you want to get married and have kids really soon? Shove your biological clock down your pants where your balls are supposed to be and just get to know us. He continues to be handsy with Superstar.
But not in Tool’s mind. As they walk out to the parking lot, he says, “Time for a kiss” and abruptly draws Superstar in for a smooch.
Tool Move. No. 5: Do I even need to explain why that’s just weird? He tops it off with a follow-up lean in while they’re sitting in the van, waiting to leave the parking lot.
It gets worse. (Yeah, I know, how could this date get any worse?)
Tool Move Nov. 6: Obsessive calling. He calls and leaves a message while Superstar is recanting the tale to her friend. He calls again 45 minutes later because Superstar didn’t answer.
He calls Monday. They talk for awhile. Superstar mentions something that sets Tool off on a tirade and he rants about the things he hates in life for many minutes. One of those things is Googling the person you are dating. So while he rants, she googles him. He rants about girls checking the state sex offender registry, etc.
Stop it right here for a moment. A guy with a van is telling me not to check the sex offender registry for him? Let’s just pause to consider just how big of a tool this guy really might be…………………………wow. BIG TOOL. I might even be tempted to call him a douche bag, an overused, crass phrase I try to avoid.
This guy just might be worthy.
Tool Move. No. 7: Tuesday, he calls Superstar again, this time at 8:30 in the morning. Without greeting, he angrily asks her, “What do you want?” She replies, “What? What are you talking about?”
“What do you want?” he asks again in a loud, demanding tone.
“You called me,” she says, very confused.
He laughs. “I know. I just though it’d be funny. Hi, how are you?”
This guy demonstrates a few more times in the next few days why he is, what’s that? You got it – a BIG Tool.
Superstar has had enough and has slammed that toolbox shut. Whew!
If any of you want this guy’s phone number, let me know.