When I leaned in to kiss him, I realized that maybe — just maybe — I had a crush on him after all.

I mean, I don’t usually kiss boys randomly while standing on the street. bulbs_concept_186253_tns

I’m laughing at myself right now. In my journal, these past few months I’ve written about my various dates and my friendship with Kevin. While I considered each date based on his merits, I consistently deny any interest in Kevin other than friendship, even after he asked me out.

But his name is mentioned a LOT. And not just in discussions of me hanging with him and my other friends in that group. I write about our flirtations, what I think of him (all positive) and whether or not I could date him. In the end, I always wrote something like, “eh, not really interested” or “what about our friendship?”

I think she doth she protest too much. 
What happened?

Those of you who follow my ramblings are probably wondering the same thing. A couple weeks ago I told you I had an epiphany, after which I decided not to go forward with any of the few guys I was dating, including Kevin.

As soon as I realized I wasn’t ready for a relationship, I dropped it all like a pile of books, and felt just that type of relief.

But then something funny happened. My perspective shifted. I wasn’t really looking for anything, let alone anything with him. But we hung out a lot. When around him, I felt happier, laughed more. He started to really grow on me.

It really hit me when we recently went to the beach overnight with a few people, including another female friend of his. I found myself feeling jealous.

Huh? Jealous of the attention he was giving her? They’re just friends, Suz. YOU’RE just friends with him – why do you care?

*DING* The light bulb finally switched on and I saw it all clearly.  She’s a bright one, ladies and gentlemen!

In my journal, after he’d asked me out on a date, I started to write things such as, “He IS cute” and “think I’m crushing on him a little.” But no, no, not going there. Why not?

It wasn’t just friendship that was holding me back. For some reason, I’d decided months ago that he just wasn’t right for me. Now, I can’t even tell you what that decision was based on. But it goes back to my prior post about perspectives and pickiness.

So after the light bulb clicked, I started flirting more. I realized I was always excited to see him. And a mutual friend of ours asked me why I wasn’t going for it.

When she laid out all his attributes in an email one day, I realized she had a point. He’s smart, motivated, creative, interesting, adventurous. Most of all, we are comfortable together and talk about EVERYTHING.

In the end, don’t you want your boyfriend to be your best friend?

Hence the reason I kissed him in the street last week. We had a long talk about it later and I think Single Suzanne might not be single for much longer.

And I’m all lit up about it.